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Through It All We’ll Hold Hands
My Thoughts, Feelings, Insights, and Lessons
My Thoughts, Feelings, Insights, and Lessons
Learned Thus Far Through Infertility
I remember when Stewart and I first started dating, he tried to hold my hand and I pulled it away, scared and worried that our relationship was progressing to fast. It was at that point that I realized I had to make a choice, to take his hand and move forward with our relationship or to let his hand go and move on with my life as I had planned it. I regret to say that I let his hand go and learned very quickly that by not holding Stewart’s hand I had created a hole in my heart that would never be complete with out him. I realized shortly thereafter that by not holding Stewart’s hand, I was moving away from the plan that Heavenly Father had for me. So after a few weeks of me coming to an understanding of what I wanted and what Heavenly Father wanted for me, I called Stewart up and we went for a walk, it was during that walk that I asked him to take my hand and not let it go. How grateful I am to say, that Stewart has kept his promise made to me that day and has kept my hand firmly in his, no matter where life has taken us.
Stewart and I have always wanted a family of our own. Even before we were married we were talking about when we wanted to start having children. Once we were married we decided that we would put our trust in Heavenly Fathers plan for us and have children when He deemed it was time. After about a year and a half of no children Stewart and I decided that it was time to visit a doctor and find out what was going on. We learned after a series of visits that it will be more difficult for us to conceive than for most people. From there it has been a battle of emotions, and several lessons learned.
Over the past month or more, I have felt the need to record some of the lessons that I have learned coming to an understanding of my infertility. My goal in sharing this (purely sensitive) information is not for everyone who reads this to feel sorry for us, but to help me break free from the emotions I have been bottling up, by keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself for so long. The other part of my goal is to take these experiences and lessons I have learned and share them with others, who may be in similar situations so that they know they are not alone, and that someone understands what they are going thru.
Hands have been a significant part of Stewart’s and my relationship, marriage, and life. I have always been fascinated with people’s hands and all that can be accomplished with one’s hands. I remember that soon after we started holding hands, Stewart would often catch me staring at our hands, interlocked. I knew we would be married one day and I sensed Stewart’s hands to be pure and clean, his hands would be worthy to give me priesthood blessings if and when needed. His hands would be worthy to lead our family in righteousness and most importantly his hands would be there to help catch me as I stumbled or fell during this time on earth.
When we were married in the Boise Temple, President Wayne L. Coleman, who sealed us together for time and all eternity made reference to our hands. He mentioned that Stewart’s hands are the priesthood bearers, the providers, the hands that will be a support to me; they are the hands that will bless our family, hold our children, and lead us down the path of righteous. My hands are the ones that will be the help to Stewart, a nurturing mother to our children, the hands that are going to make our home a delightful place, a home Stewart will want to come to home to, a place where the sprit can reside. Along with all the thoughts shared with us that day about our hands, I would like to include another set of hands that we should remember, the hands of our Father in Heaven. His hands are the hands that will be (and have been) there to carry me during the hard times. His hands are the hands that can make me whole, that can perform the miracles I seek for in my life. His hands are the hands that help me grow, so that one day I can be like him. His hands are the hands that embrace me and fill me with peace when I feel all alone. His hands are the hands that I should cling to and never let go, no matter how hard I think life is.
I take strength in the scriptures and have often found the comfort in the words recorded both in the Bible and the Book of Mormon. One scripture that has blessed me is found in Isaiah 41:13, “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” I have come to know from first hand experience that this verse it true. I know that Heavenly Father is keenly aware of Stewart’s and my circumstances and although I wish He would bless us with our righteous desires now, I have learned that it is better to wait on the Lord’s timing rather than my own. And while I wait He will hold my hand and help me find peace and understanding.
I was reading in the book of Mormon the other week in Ether chapter 3 and I came across verse 5, when I read it things just started coming together and I understood a little more of the plan Heavenly Father has for me. At this particular time in the Book of Mormon, the Brother of Jared is praying to Heavenly Father asking Him to touch the stones so that they can have light in their ships as they cross the ocean. Ether 3:5 reads “… we know thou are able to show forth great power, which looks small unto the understanding of men.” When I read this the light clicked on, Heavenly Father has manifested his great powers in my life, but to my human eyes they have seemed small and insignificant. Everything that He has done for me has been a manifestation of His great powers. As I look back over the past few years I can see directly how Heavenly Father has guided Stewart and I along, He helped Stewart and I find an amazing doctor who was able to answer most all our infertility questions, He directed us to a school that has proven to be a school that is best for Stewart and his learning strategies, and by helping us secure an apartment in West Virginia while still living in Idaho that has proven to be ideal to our needs. All of these things seem to be small and insignificant during the time we prayed and received direction, but honestly, after taking some time to ponder them in my mind and heart … they truly are examples of the great power Heavenly Father manifests in our lives daily, which at the time seem so small and unimportant to us. How grateful I am to have learned this great lesson from one small verse in the scriptures. It has changed how I look at the small and simple things in my day to day life. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me, and he is reaching out his hand to me. I am his child and as much as I hate that my prayers are not answered the way I would like at this time I have learned that “we are the clay, and thou (Heavenly Father) our potter, and we… are the work of thy hands.” (Isaiah 64:8)
I would like to share three lessons I have learned during this time of infertility in my life. The first lesson is something that I hear all the time: The Lord has a plan and knows what is best for us, and His timing is perfect.
Not to long ago I went through a phase where I got mad when someone would tell me “it is going to be okay”, I was tired of hearing that phrase, I wanted someone to finish it, “it is going to be okay in ______ hours, days, years, etc”. I was tired of not having a complete answer; I wanted to know when everything was going to be okay? In all reality the completed answer to that question was and still is up to me. I have the ability to make things okay right now in my life… it is a matter of my attitude and how I want to look at things. Heavenly Father knows that it is hard for me not to be able to see the whole picture, but at the same time He knows that by helping me gain faith in Him and His plan I can and will be a better person.
I think the Prophet Mormon, says it best in Mormon 5:23 (Book of Mormon), “Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God? Know ye not that he hath all power?” I know this scripture is true, my Heavenly Father has all power and I am in His hands. When I stop and think about that I feel His love, and I feel His reassurance that everything will work out far better then I can even imagine at this point, and it will be okay. As for when it will be okay… I can decide to make it okay now. When will we be blessed with children? That is up to Heavenly Father, all we can do is everything that is in our ability to make that happen. And yet as hard as this is to say: I am in the hands of God and His will not my will be done.
The second lesson I have learned comes from the opportunity I was given to give a talk on the topic of reverence in church not to long ago. At times in my life I get so caught up in everything around me. There are days when I am so busy there is no way I could hear Heavenly Father speak to me (through the Holy Ghost). Realizing that has helped me to learn that I need to slow down, and by doing so I will be able to feel the presence of Heavenly Father comforting me, and receive direction that is desperately needed.
Heavenly Father communicates to most people by the power of the Holy Ghost, at least, that is how he communicates to me. There is a quote by President Boyd K. Packer (President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) that has helped me. It says “The spirit does not get our attention by shouting or shaking us with a heavy hand. Rather it whispers, it caresses so gently that if we are preoccupied we may not feel it at all.” (August 2009 Ensign, pg 45) when I read that I had to ask myself: is my life style to loud? Would I be able to hear answers to my prayers being sent by the sill small voice? After my answer to the last question was a NO I knew I needed to turn things off and listen for the still small voice. There is another great scripture that helped me understand more about how I can expect the Holy Ghost to communicate with me it is found in Helaman 5:30 (Book of Mormon), it says “And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper…” by reading this I knew that I needed to take time in my daily schedule to turn off the music, TV, computer, etc. and sit and listen. I need to be reverent in my daily life so that I can hear, and feel that I am receiving answers to my prayers and comfort when I need it. I have been observing this practice since the time I gave this talk and have been richly blessed because of it. I know that Heavenly Father sends the Holy Ghost with our answers, and if not an immediate answer then peace to calm the troubled soul, but if I am caught up in my busy life, I may not be able to hear the still small voice.
The third lesson that I have learned, as well as the final thought I wish to share on this topic is, to serve. Since I have learned about my infertility problems, it has been a huge blessing in my life to truly serve others, especially mothers with small children. I have often sought out opportunities to serve, as a way for me to stop thinking about myself, my problems and to focus on what I can do to help those around me. By doing this I have a learned that I can love others, especially those women who have children.
I regret to say I did go through a stage in my life where I could not bring myself to talk, or associate with new mothers or women who were pregnant, let alone serve them. It seemed like such a hard task, and I thought it was so unfair that Heavenly Father would bless them and not me. I came to a fork in the road one day when my nephew was born; that day which should have been filled with excitement for the family, was one of the hardest days in my life. I did not want anything to do with my nephew, and I really did not want to visit with his parents. That same day, Stewart and I got in to a small argument where he proceeded to tell me I was selfish and acting like a spoiled child. Those words stung deep, but they also helped me realize that I was going down the wrong path and I needed to make a change. This change did not come easy to me; I could not bring myself to hold my nephew for about a month after he was born. In my mind if I held him it would only make me want to have children even more. But in reality when I did allow myself to hold him, I had a significant and powerful spiritual experience. Shortly after that experience I had a scripture come to mind, it is found in Mosiah 2:17 (Book of Mormon) “… I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are in the service of your God.” That was the answer I had been praying for that has helped me many times.
While learning to understand my infertility I have found it very helpful to find opportunities weekly to help others around me. I have even gone as far as to search out other women in the area with children and ask them if I could watch their kids so they can go and do something they want for a few hours. I have learned that by doing this I am opening my heart up and learning to love these children and their parents with a love only service can create. I am very grateful to a loving husband, who realized what I was becoming, who seized the opportunity to take my hand, and help me start the needed changes. I have learned so much from serving others, I know that service is part of Heavenly Father’s plan to help us overcome hard times and trials.
I cannot believe that I am about to say this, but I am grateful for my infertility complications, because of this I have been blessed beyond measure. I have learned so much from this experience and expect to learn more as time goes on. I still hope that I can one day be a mother, and I know that opportunity will present itself to me in the future. I have changed my prayers from please bless us to get pregnant to please bless us with children whether they are adopted into our family or conceived it matters not. I hope that by writing this and sharing my thoughts, I am able to help someone else who is in a similar situation through my experiences thus far.
I know I have a Father in Heaven who is very aware of me, and if I will reach up and take His hand He will help me grow and overcome the trials and hard ships I face. I know that this journey is not over, and at times may seem to hard to endure, but with Stewart and Heavenly Father by my side I can do anything. And no matter where life takes us through it all we’ll hold hands.
Stewart and I have always wanted a family of our own. Even before we were married we were talking about when we wanted to start having children. Once we were married we decided that we would put our trust in Heavenly Fathers plan for us and have children when He deemed it was time. After about a year and a half of no children Stewart and I decided that it was time to visit a doctor and find out what was going on. We learned after a series of visits that it will be more difficult for us to conceive than for most people. From there it has been a battle of emotions, and several lessons learned.
Over the past month or more, I have felt the need to record some of the lessons that I have learned coming to an understanding of my infertility. My goal in sharing this (purely sensitive) information is not for everyone who reads this to feel sorry for us, but to help me break free from the emotions I have been bottling up, by keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself for so long. The other part of my goal is to take these experiences and lessons I have learned and share them with others, who may be in similar situations so that they know they are not alone, and that someone understands what they are going thru.
Hands have been a significant part of Stewart’s and my relationship, marriage, and life. I have always been fascinated with people’s hands and all that can be accomplished with one’s hands. I remember that soon after we started holding hands, Stewart would often catch me staring at our hands, interlocked. I knew we would be married one day and I sensed Stewart’s hands to be pure and clean, his hands would be worthy to give me priesthood blessings if and when needed. His hands would be worthy to lead our family in righteousness and most importantly his hands would be there to help catch me as I stumbled or fell during this time on earth.
When we were married in the Boise Temple, President Wayne L. Coleman, who sealed us together for time and all eternity made reference to our hands. He mentioned that Stewart’s hands are the priesthood bearers, the providers, the hands that will be a support to me; they are the hands that will bless our family, hold our children, and lead us down the path of righteous. My hands are the ones that will be the help to Stewart, a nurturing mother to our children, the hands that are going to make our home a delightful place, a home Stewart will want to come to home to, a place where the sprit can reside. Along with all the thoughts shared with us that day about our hands, I would like to include another set of hands that we should remember, the hands of our Father in Heaven. His hands are the hands that will be (and have been) there to carry me during the hard times. His hands are the hands that can make me whole, that can perform the miracles I seek for in my life. His hands are the hands that help me grow, so that one day I can be like him. His hands are the hands that embrace me and fill me with peace when I feel all alone. His hands are the hands that I should cling to and never let go, no matter how hard I think life is.
I take strength in the scriptures and have often found the comfort in the words recorded both in the Bible and the Book of Mormon. One scripture that has blessed me is found in Isaiah 41:13, “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” I have come to know from first hand experience that this verse it true. I know that Heavenly Father is keenly aware of Stewart’s and my circumstances and although I wish He would bless us with our righteous desires now, I have learned that it is better to wait on the Lord’s timing rather than my own. And while I wait He will hold my hand and help me find peace and understanding.
I was reading in the book of Mormon the other week in Ether chapter 3 and I came across verse 5, when I read it things just started coming together and I understood a little more of the plan Heavenly Father has for me. At this particular time in the Book of Mormon, the Brother of Jared is praying to Heavenly Father asking Him to touch the stones so that they can have light in their ships as they cross the ocean. Ether 3:5 reads “… we know thou are able to show forth great power, which looks small unto the understanding of men.” When I read this the light clicked on, Heavenly Father has manifested his great powers in my life, but to my human eyes they have seemed small and insignificant. Everything that He has done for me has been a manifestation of His great powers. As I look back over the past few years I can see directly how Heavenly Father has guided Stewart and I along, He helped Stewart and I find an amazing doctor who was able to answer most all our infertility questions, He directed us to a school that has proven to be a school that is best for Stewart and his learning strategies, and by helping us secure an apartment in West Virginia while still living in Idaho that has proven to be ideal to our needs. All of these things seem to be small and insignificant during the time we prayed and received direction, but honestly, after taking some time to ponder them in my mind and heart … they truly are examples of the great power Heavenly Father manifests in our lives daily, which at the time seem so small and unimportant to us. How grateful I am to have learned this great lesson from one small verse in the scriptures. It has changed how I look at the small and simple things in my day to day life. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me, and he is reaching out his hand to me. I am his child and as much as I hate that my prayers are not answered the way I would like at this time I have learned that “we are the clay, and thou (Heavenly Father) our potter, and we… are the work of thy hands.” (Isaiah 64:8)
I would like to share three lessons I have learned during this time of infertility in my life. The first lesson is something that I hear all the time: The Lord has a plan and knows what is best for us, and His timing is perfect.
Not to long ago I went through a phase where I got mad when someone would tell me “it is going to be okay”, I was tired of hearing that phrase, I wanted someone to finish it, “it is going to be okay in ______ hours, days, years, etc”. I was tired of not having a complete answer; I wanted to know when everything was going to be okay? In all reality the completed answer to that question was and still is up to me. I have the ability to make things okay right now in my life… it is a matter of my attitude and how I want to look at things. Heavenly Father knows that it is hard for me not to be able to see the whole picture, but at the same time He knows that by helping me gain faith in Him and His plan I can and will be a better person.
I think the Prophet Mormon, says it best in Mormon 5:23 (Book of Mormon), “Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God? Know ye not that he hath all power?” I know this scripture is true, my Heavenly Father has all power and I am in His hands. When I stop and think about that I feel His love, and I feel His reassurance that everything will work out far better then I can even imagine at this point, and it will be okay. As for when it will be okay… I can decide to make it okay now. When will we be blessed with children? That is up to Heavenly Father, all we can do is everything that is in our ability to make that happen. And yet as hard as this is to say: I am in the hands of God and His will not my will be done.
The second lesson I have learned comes from the opportunity I was given to give a talk on the topic of reverence in church not to long ago. At times in my life I get so caught up in everything around me. There are days when I am so busy there is no way I could hear Heavenly Father speak to me (through the Holy Ghost). Realizing that has helped me to learn that I need to slow down, and by doing so I will be able to feel the presence of Heavenly Father comforting me, and receive direction that is desperately needed.
Heavenly Father communicates to most people by the power of the Holy Ghost, at least, that is how he communicates to me. There is a quote by President Boyd K. Packer (President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) that has helped me. It says “The spirit does not get our attention by shouting or shaking us with a heavy hand. Rather it whispers, it caresses so gently that if we are preoccupied we may not feel it at all.” (August 2009 Ensign, pg 45) when I read that I had to ask myself: is my life style to loud? Would I be able to hear answers to my prayers being sent by the sill small voice? After my answer to the last question was a NO I knew I needed to turn things off and listen for the still small voice. There is another great scripture that helped me understand more about how I can expect the Holy Ghost to communicate with me it is found in Helaman 5:30 (Book of Mormon), it says “And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper…” by reading this I knew that I needed to take time in my daily schedule to turn off the music, TV, computer, etc. and sit and listen. I need to be reverent in my daily life so that I can hear, and feel that I am receiving answers to my prayers and comfort when I need it. I have been observing this practice since the time I gave this talk and have been richly blessed because of it. I know that Heavenly Father sends the Holy Ghost with our answers, and if not an immediate answer then peace to calm the troubled soul, but if I am caught up in my busy life, I may not be able to hear the still small voice.
The third lesson that I have learned, as well as the final thought I wish to share on this topic is, to serve. Since I have learned about my infertility problems, it has been a huge blessing in my life to truly serve others, especially mothers with small children. I have often sought out opportunities to serve, as a way for me to stop thinking about myself, my problems and to focus on what I can do to help those around me. By doing this I have a learned that I can love others, especially those women who have children.
I regret to say I did go through a stage in my life where I could not bring myself to talk, or associate with new mothers or women who were pregnant, let alone serve them. It seemed like such a hard task, and I thought it was so unfair that Heavenly Father would bless them and not me. I came to a fork in the road one day when my nephew was born; that day which should have been filled with excitement for the family, was one of the hardest days in my life. I did not want anything to do with my nephew, and I really did not want to visit with his parents. That same day, Stewart and I got in to a small argument where he proceeded to tell me I was selfish and acting like a spoiled child. Those words stung deep, but they also helped me realize that I was going down the wrong path and I needed to make a change. This change did not come easy to me; I could not bring myself to hold my nephew for about a month after he was born. In my mind if I held him it would only make me want to have children even more. But in reality when I did allow myself to hold him, I had a significant and powerful spiritual experience. Shortly after that experience I had a scripture come to mind, it is found in Mosiah 2:17 (Book of Mormon) “… I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are in the service of your God.” That was the answer I had been praying for that has helped me many times.
While learning to understand my infertility I have found it very helpful to find opportunities weekly to help others around me. I have even gone as far as to search out other women in the area with children and ask them if I could watch their kids so they can go and do something they want for a few hours. I have learned that by doing this I am opening my heart up and learning to love these children and their parents with a love only service can create. I am very grateful to a loving husband, who realized what I was becoming, who seized the opportunity to take my hand, and help me start the needed changes. I have learned so much from serving others, I know that service is part of Heavenly Father’s plan to help us overcome hard times and trials.
I cannot believe that I am about to say this, but I am grateful for my infertility complications, because of this I have been blessed beyond measure. I have learned so much from this experience and expect to learn more as time goes on. I still hope that I can one day be a mother, and I know that opportunity will present itself to me in the future. I have changed my prayers from please bless us to get pregnant to please bless us with children whether they are adopted into our family or conceived it matters not. I hope that by writing this and sharing my thoughts, I am able to help someone else who is in a similar situation through my experiences thus far.
I know I have a Father in Heaven who is very aware of me, and if I will reach up and take His hand He will help me grow and overcome the trials and hard ships I face. I know that this journey is not over, and at times may seem to hard to endure, but with Stewart and Heavenly Father by my side I can do anything. And no matter where life takes us through it all we’ll hold hands.
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LDS General Confrence and CES Fireside Talks That Have Helped Me Find Comfort and Peace.
The Lord Thy God Will Hold Thy Hand- Elder W. Craig Zwick, of the Seventy, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Lessons from Liberty Jail- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
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If you would like to know more about what I and other LDS people believe, please visit our church website: Mormon.org
